Resolution.

So I'm sitting here, on the last day of 2007, with my computer on, trying to think of something to write. A grand mind-blowing entry to end the year perhaps? Or maybe just come up with the last ever emo post. Yeah? you think so? Nah,..I'm sure you don't want that. You know you love my emo-ness. ;)

Anyway, what's strange is that I've been thinking bout this. What have I achieved in my 21 years of living. Wait, I am not competing with others and the rest of the world and base how I've lived a fulfilling life by the things I've achieved. Rather, have I really achieve what I really wanted all these years. Something I really wanted to do, something I really like and am passionate of. Everytime at this point, I raise a question, a dreaded one. What do I REALLY like/love?
I've been tagged my whole life by the family as 'Jack of all traits, and master of none' , in which I myself find hard to deny.
I can easily come up with a list of stuff I 'thought' I was interested and gotten myself involved in.
Piano. Guitar. Singing. Reading.Fashion. Comicist. Drama. Writing. Photography. Fine Art, Collecting Stickers. Poems. Gym.
Man, I could go on and on. Tried all of them and I like them all. But you know you can never have it all. That leaves me with no choice but to pick one/two and at least master them. That raise another question. Should I choose what I love most but not exactly the one that I'm best at. Or should i base my choice on the one that I'm best at but least love. That's too confusing. But that's how the mind works, you look for excuses.
But set aside all that, I don't even feel like making a choice to begin with. Why isn't there a passion that would drive me just as much as how it drew Leonardo Da Vinci close and in tuned with the world of art. I want that. and often I get so envious with people who really know what they love. You love cars so much. that's easy. Just do something related to cars. You love to social. alright, get into mass com then, you'll mingle well there. So what do I really love doing?

Good question.

Being 'Jack of all traits' certainly has its plus points. You're a handyman. you can do everything. It's great. Variety is good. Yeah, it surely is. But you never excel in one. And you will never be remembered as one. Especially when you're at THE point of your life. This is when you realize it's time to get serious. you gotta think hard. Set a goal. Set your mind to it. Focus and then work your ass towards it. Because before you know it, It's another new year again. and you're running out of time.


I wanna be able to stand here, and proclaim boldly of my passion to you and then work my way through and never give up no matter what happens. So, there you go. My PASSION.. is.. hrm..





....
maybe tomorrow. ^-^''


Blessed New Year Everyone! :D

Female Beatboxer - Sophia Beatbox Part9

THAT'S GIRL POWER MAN!!!!
Check out her other clips.

Beatbox-Beardy Man

Man, amazing.

Beatbox - Felix Zenger

THIS is good stuff.

I'm watching YOU

you wish.

I'm done with my boring routine.
and I suddenly thought of this.

GOOGLE EARTH!! :D

what could be more interesting than this ? ooi-yeoo will agree ;)
oh, spot tiny Malaysia =]






Call me ignorant, but I never knew the existance of 'Pulau babi besar'.
So there's a tiny unnamed island above 'Pulau tioman'. I shall discover that and I'll start my own country over there, and it shall be named 'Emmericaa'!!
what do you think ;) ?




Then i found Newcastle, Aus.

More specifically, North Lambton =]

Ahhh,..so it looks like that from above.. hrmmm...

Next destination. My personal favourite. More like a 'dream place'.

Venice. 'The city of Water' . What a magnificent view.

Nice. =]

Look! It is shaped like a 'fish' . No wonder it's gonna sink, Because it's a FISH. It's time to get back into the water!

Don't know if I'll ever get there.

(please don't sink first :[ )

Then I wanna go here. Paris. ^-^

'The city of Lights' and, Romance ;)


And then here. Just for the tech & Culture! =P

And of course, here :]

Meanwhile, lets just look at maps . hahah.

Well,...

"It's a small world after all~!! "

..

.

yeah right.

Psalm 51:1-4

1.Have mercy on me O God,
because of your unfailing love
Because of your great compassion
blot out the stain of my sins
2.Wash me clean from my guilt
purify me from my sin
3.For I recognize my shameful deeds
they haunt me day and night
4.Against you, and you alone, have I sinned.
I have done what is evil in your sight
You will be proved right in what you say
& your judgement against me is just.

@#$%^&*#$^!!!!!!!

omg. i promise you this ISN'T paranoia. but Where the heck is everyone???!!!

I am so bloody frustrated I can kill.




silence is deafening.

''being with you is like being allergic to water. ''

I found my emo-half (Ponytail Parades by Emery)

Three sleepless nights
This isn't how it's supposed to be
But you're so good at taking your time
To give back to me

I will wait for you forever
If you would just ask me
I thought that I could change you
But you changed me

But it doesn't feel right
Holding someone else's hand
Together on phone lines
And living at two opposite ends
It scares me to think that you could find takers
Other than me and better than me

But your head is elsewhere
And I'm talking enough for both of us
When will you see it's not so easy for me

You're careless and whispered
Insulting and bruising

And I thought that you said
Things were improving
These laces are untied
But my feet are walking away
(I fall from your eyes. Your eyes I trusted. You said forever)
I never thought you could say these words
Is this really happening
(don't say that we can still be friends)
Erase my name from this page
How can you take all these days
(what is inside me, what have I done)
And throw them away,
(is this the only way that you will notice me)
As I sit here waiting for you
(dead words for closed ears, all this is sung for you)
I stay up nights
(if you are still pretending this is what's right)
Until stars leave the sky
(why can you look at me can you only see)
Knowing what my dreams can take away
(sides, your side, can take away)

Walk away from me
This night is done

blessed Christmas everyone =]

24th Dec

It has always been you making me proud, but never the other way round.

Im sorry I didn't turn out the way you want me to.

I'm sorry that your friends' child do so well in school and always make them proud but because of me, you can never experience such pride.

You had only one chance in raising me up and yet you did it so well.

I am sorry I should be looking after you now but you are still doing the job.

I am sorry I still make you worry so much.

I've been so dependent on you I can't imagine what I'd do without you.

I am sorry I never appreciate the things you've done for me, instead I get so angry at you because of what you didn't provide me.

Things only got worse when I had to go against you because of what i believe,
and because of that it hurts so much that I feel so connected to you yet so far away from you.

I know i've disappoint you countless times and I've upset you.

So today, I wanna let you know,
I am sorry again because I am not going to pursue what you want me to.
I won't want to pursue wealth.
I won't want to pursue status.
I won't want to pursue fame.
because if I do, this will make you happy.
I am sorry, I don't want to make you happy.

because I love you.

and because i love you, I don't want to just make you happy.
I want so much more for you.
I don't want just happiness for you,
I want happiness that is everlasting for you.
I want salvation for you.

I believe ..
..there will be that day where we can just talk about anything under the sky.
there will be that day where we will say grace together.
there will be that day where we will make godly decisions together.
and there will be that day where we will celebrate the true meaning of christmas together.


though you will never understand now, but I believe you will one day.

and I am not giving up,..
..even if that consumes me.
because i love you.

and that, is what I will do for you.

Happy birthday mummy.

love,
your beloved daughter.

L is for..

L- Lost
O- Of
V- Valuable
E- Energy



don't agree?
go give yourself a try ;)

You gotta read this

because I wrote this.
BUT I was 17 years then, back in form 5.

I was browsing through my highschool year book MGS Identiti 2003 , (emo as usual) and I found this. Classic.


Kerana Engkau (Pg 69)
- Eccentric-me

Keindahan yang kumiliki,
Kesempurnaan yang kurasai,
Lenyap.. dalam saat yang tidak pernah kunanti
Bagaikan kehilangan sinar cahaya,
yang selama ini menjadi pergantungan

kau melangkah pergi,
bersama harapan yang selama ini kucurahkan
hanya kecaian memori yang kau tinggalkan

hatiku takut, badanku lemas..
Aku merangkak dalam kegelapan,
berbekalkan harapan yang menjanjikan kekecewaan,
mencari sinar yang ada,
hanya.. kebingungan yang memenuhi diriku,
.. Kau sudah tiada..

Namun, saat-saat perit, tetap kulalui..
hanya bayang-bayang diri menjadi teman seperjuangan..
Mentari yang pernah dihilangkan,
Kini aku mencari kembali.

Kerana engkau, aku tumbang..
dan kerana engkau jugalah, aku bangkit semula..



fuyohh. i can't believe i actually wrote that.


Direct Translation :

The bliss/beauty I once own,
The perfection i once felt,
Vanish in just a second that i've never waited/hoped for.
Seems like I've lost the source of light,
that I've been dependent on all these while.

You walked away,
Along with hopes that I've poured in all these while
And all that you've left me behind with is just bits of memories.

I'm scared..
And I feel weak..
I crawl in darkness,
as I bear hopes with promised disappointments,
I look for a ray of light..
But nothingness fills me,
now that you're gone.

Despite that, I still go through the times of sufferings,
With my shadow as my only 'faithful companion' .
The sunlight that was once lost,
I found it back.

It is because of you that I fell apart,
but it is also because of you that I got myself back up.

..

(somewords I just can't describe it in english, it's just too powerful. *chehwah* well. i guess the point is, you jz gotta appreciate the significance of bahasa melayu ;) )


Words in which held so much more meaning than just what is translated.

Keindahan: Extremely beautiful, magnificent
Kesempurnaan : Contentment/Perfect and just right/Flawless.
berbekalkan: bearing something/something that you actually carry with/bring along.
kebingungan: Lost/clueless/ mental breakdown.
teman seperjuangan: describes ppl who go thru good&hard times with u (ex: friends at the army)
tumbang: usually describing how a tree fall. (now, .... imagine that)
bangkit: more like "resurrect". You die and you wake up again. (uhuh, very strong word)

Which is why you cannot really translate them.
Ahh, the significance of BM. So much meaning in a word.

haha, i feel like i am giving lessons. hehe.

just let me syok for while laaa..



I actually thought, THOUGHT of pursuing Bahasa melayu.
crazy.


I wonder sometimes, what if i really did?

Saya malaysian-lahh

Had a 'mamak' session with m.kuan today. again =P.

yeah, what else can we do in klang, right.

oh anyway, i was craving for 'shin chan' comic book!!!but all sold in chinese urghh!

i want bahasa melayu translation lah!!! it's so hard to find one. so sad.

in the end ended up in 7-eleven. and i was soooo desperate for a comic book that i just bought this :

Kirana Cinta pertama! hahah! (the 7-eleven 'Abang' recomended ok. he said cunnnn)

omg i cant wait to read.

then... I tak puas . Went all the way to 'kedai runcit hemma' haha, lame i know. still in the hunt for 'shin chan' ..

we found tikam machine! classic.

mkuan gatal wanna tikam. then i kiasu,

it's just 50 cents. so i also tikam

omg mkuan is so lame she wanted this monsters. but i told her it's so ugly, so she found something else, some torch light ring. she said its cool. then she spent RM1.00 just to tikam again, but poor her, she got a ball instead. hahahah.

this is why we call this machine a tikam machine cuz you will not necessary get whtever the

picture shows. you gotta try your 'luck'.

i was in the mood today. So i spent unnecessarily.

RM 6.50 -comic

RM 0.50 - Tikam

RM 0.20 - APOLLO

RM 0.20 - Se7en candy

RM 1.60 - BIKA snack

RM 9.00 = 3.00 AUD for so many things leh.

Happy-Lahh !!

nyekk nyekk nyekk.

Spot the 'se7en' candy. 5 bucks for whoever who can spot that.

the egg thing that i tikam-ed. apparently it's called the 'crystal baby' .

you put some water in it then it will grow and multiply..

it's the 'in' thing right now. apparently.

'crystal babies'

omg. it grew.

ok actually its the same concept as the 'fertilizer' crystal balls. i don't even know why i bother tikam-ing. so lebih.


there, instead of using soil. you use this.

hrmmm.. nowadays,.. nowadays.....


Unwrapped the book. and lets see, if this is gonna be a good book.

and first chapter of the book..

'spring girl'.

hrmmmm..............

I suka -lah ;)

nyahahhahahahaha!!!

dishwalla - collide

The tunnel

.......and you're more than halfway through in this tunnel. A tunnel that links from one place to another. In this case, from the past to the future. So you're walking through this dark path. You can't see anything. All these because you decided you wanted to grow out of your past and move on. You can't see what is ahead. You are so afraid and you never felt so alone before. Right now, you are almost regretting each step you take. You are at the verge of giving up. You pause and look back. You have a strong urge to run back towards where you first started. But it's too late, because it's been quite a journey. The future is too intimidating & uncertain, yet the past is too dark you don't wanna go back. You are left with no choice. So you channel all your thoughts to Him and you focus ahead. You take in a deep breath and you continue your journey through this never ending tunnel. And by faith, you continue to walk.. and you walk...

:]

midvalley

Elicia: omg jie,... i just found the perfect shop for you!

me : no way.

???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wish you love

.....

..And in July a lemonade,
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health.
But more than wealth,
I wish you love.


My breaking heart and I agree,
That you and I could never be
So with my best,
My very best,

I set you free...


-Rachael Yamagata

Dreams

Dreams are not meant to be fulfilled. And if you are able to fulfil your 'dream', it is not a dream in the first place.

what makes a dream A DREAM, and what makes A DREAM something we want so badly, is simply because it is unachievable. and it HAS to be. We very often end up doing stuff that we dont like and never dreamt of doing , and never had the passion for.
And very often you hear

" i never wanted to do this course at the first place, it's something else tht i've always dreamt of doing."

" i hate this job that I'm doing, if i had the chance, i would have done that..cuz tht was my dream job"

" my ultimate dream, is to be there..right THERE "

I guess the whole point of having a dream is because, it is simply unattainable. And i guess that's what makes A DREAM So.....


significant.




unfulfilled dream. is like..
sweet misery..

it's MISERABLE. cuz you can't fulfill it. but it's SWEET. cuz you LOVE your dream and you Love how it is so unattainable and for some reasons you love dwelling on the 'what ifs..' and 'if onlys"...over and over again.

significant huh?


sweet misery.
oh, what sweet contradiction.


man, i love it.






p/s- You dream fulfillers *roll eyes* out there, You need not take this entry seriously.)



*Entry contain sprinkled bitterness & sadisism. Author's going through a series of emotions.

today

-piano
-'yao cha kuai'

-Church with munkhea! =) (Gosh, the pastor reminds me of you, ERIC CHAN! if you're reading this. I was the only crazee one laughing non-stop cuz you both have the SAME accent and sound the SAME! "halleluuuuujahhh!" haa!
It's as if fast-fwd 20 years and you're in front there preaching. haha!
I actually went up to him and ask if you're his son!!
man, he is REALLY funny.

-what a way to bum into you, Mich T. of all places. Church huh?

-I'm no longer youth!!!!AAahhHHhhhhh......... (Man, the kids has grown up so much..)
-curry noodles (hopefully not the last time)
-short nap (a forced one, thanks to uhhrmm..)
-baskin robbins (AGAIN, i knw)
-quality time with Mich T ( Very good catch up. We had a good laugh, aye?)
-nasi lemak AND roti kosong at ONCE (YES...... that explains ..)
-on-line
-ryl??? CALL ME will you????
-back to virus -____-''



urgh.


Ask me out, someone. ANYONE!!! *in desperate tone*

old-town, baskin-robbins,mamak..

"Friendships often end in love, but LOVE in friendships- never."


..is all I have to say for tonight.



p/s- I love you all so very much. =)

miss-takes?

you sacrifice something you already have in order to have something else that you know is worth it. But after that, you realize you can't really have it afterall.

In the end, you realize you just lost everything.
..


..and you think again, if it's worth it afterall.

masak-masak

I really miss those times.

and why am i missing you two so much.

you know I am so lost right now..=(

faster come back.

sigh...

-____-

10 months

This song pretty much summarizes what I have to say, for this whole year.

..

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
this very thing that I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless to dictate my own moods


I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works



when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard

when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them


If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found



I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more

I've thrown away the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works


Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet You love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again and do so willingly


You give me hope,
and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart,
and when You do You make it light
as I exhale I hear Your voice

and I answer You,
though I hardly make a noise
and from my lips,
the words I choose to say seem pathetic,
but it's a fallen man's praise
because I love You
oh God, I love You

and life is now worth living if only because of You
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth


When I go down
I lift my eyes up to You
I won't look very far cause You'll be there with open arms
to lift me up again
to lift me up again


Relient K- When i go down

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANOTHER time someone mention 'FAT' or 'BIG' or just simply STARE at ME with ASTONISHMENT in anyway, I promise I will so ROAR at your FACE!

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE.









for now.

grrr..

One after another

When will this end?
I've done what I could.
I've done what I can.

So is this what You will for me?
And am I expected to just accept this.

Cuz really, all I wanna do now is just point fingers at You.
and scream "I HATE YOU!" out loud.

You DONT exist.

No, wait.

You do.

cuz I heard You.
I heard You just last sunday.

You spoke through Pastor Tony from his sermon.
I remember.
"Faith is learning to trust God in the dark, in the unknowing,& in apparent failure."
I wont deny how hard it is to live up to this. At least, right now.

Was that a warning beforehand?
Cuz I am not prepared.
Cuz I never knew it would be this hard until I had to go through this myself.

... cuz I felt I've lost faith.


I don't understand Your ways.
and I blame You for all that I am going through right now.
because I am sick and tired of all these.
and I could only take in so much.



but You said..

"..he (Job) is blameless and upright, a man who fears God and shuns evil. And he still maintains his integrity, though you (satan) incited me against him to ruin him without any reason"
-Job 2:3-

I wanna be like Job too...
i really do.
I wanna trust You with all my heart.
and I shouldnt be blaming You, instead continue to praise you.
With fear, reverence, and worship, I wanna serve You for who You are and not for what You may give me.

"suffering has a humbling role" .
I never understood how is that so.





..

But now I do.

Diggin' into the past

F.I.R. - 我們的愛
Used to be my fav band.
Because of their unique genre. Contemporary+Classical+baroque. Very creative combination. Not so much in this song, probably in 'LYDIA'.
Never bother finding out the meaning to the lyrics, but I guess the videoClip says it all.
i like ;)

20kgs only

WHATT!!!!!???

oh well.
I'll see what I can do.

grrrr...

Alone. (This is when)

And again, walking down the same street.
With trails of the same ol' intoxicating fragrance.
And in the stillness of the night,
I see stars, my only companion.

Surrounded by intimidating darkness,
Yet, I engage myself in silence.
And for what seems like eternity,
I spend alone, in blissfulness.

Moved in here.
3 days now.
Surrounded by not a single soul.
Again, I succumb to silence.
Well, here I am, alone again.
Why does it feels so good?

Because this is when,
I could be vulnerable.
Because this is when,
I am needy.

Because this is when
I am free from everything worldly.
Because this is when,
I will be found.
Because this is when,
I turn to You.
Because being Alone is when I'll find comfort in You.

It feels so right none can fathom,
This is the best place in the world,
to be alone with You and Only You.
Because this is when we reconcile.
Because this is when I know I can trust You.

Because this is when I'll fall before You,

and to realize I am not forsaken, instead I am forgiven.
And knowing I am still Yours & You forever mine.

-Eccentric-me.